Week 13

Ahh... the end of week 13. What does that mean to anyone other than myself? It means that I have 6 weeks left of my internship at work. I will be "on my own" as they say, meaning without another nurse precepting me.

Me. By myself. Completely responsible for 2 lives: a patient that can talk to me (the mom -- at least they better be!!!) and a patient that can't (the baby). It's scary to think that I should have enough knowledge to be independent. It's scary to not have that blanket of security. It will be the first time I am THE NURSE. (not that I'm not now, but I will be the only one for that patient.)

Some days I feel like-- hell yes, I got this. I am really making headway with my skills and critical thinking. I've figured out the "little things" like how to work the equipment, where to chart what where, what all is within my scope of practice (L&D nurses have quite a bit of autonomy), etc. I even had a student nurse, who I actually knew, from my college with me on one of my c/sections this week. Not only was I independent in my practice, I was able to answer her questions and share my knowledge. . It was an awesome feeling and also weird having been a student less than 6 months ago. I really do know a lot.

Other days, I go home thinking "what the hell am I doing?". I just wasted 40K and 4 years of my life learning to do something I ultimately SUCK at. Yes, I know this is normal for new nurses to feel like this. But some days I feel like the only person whose ever felt this way. It doesn't help that I am overly critical on myself and have perfectionist tendencies. Those are all fantastic qualities in a nurse (nobody wants a half-ass nurse), however, it doesn't leave a lot of room for a new grad to get over the "rookie crazies".

Then I remember on the bad days, all the lives I have got to make a difference in. All the beautiful babies born. All the opportunities to share in a patient's special moment. There has been so many experiences, both good and bad. I am lucky to not only have a job, but a job in the field that I am most passionate about.

Bring on the next 6 weeks.