Post Baby Back to Work

I can't believe I've been back to work for 3 months since having M Where does the time go?

I was really worried about how we were going to juggle it all: both of us working full time with two kids. I didn't go back to work after having J so this was an all new experience for me.

I can't say it was a seamless transition because it wasn't (no surprise there). I had to juggle how sleeping differently, pumping at work and at home, taking care of the house and kids all while still liking my husband.

While stressful, things have been really good though. My biggest concern was being able to keep up with breastfeeding. I've been able to exclusively breastfeed M and also able to stockpile breast milk to the point we need another deep freezer.  We have also slowly started her on solids which I have been making myself. M goes to day care 3 days a week which she enjoys. We are very happy (for the most part) with our day care choice; its 1.2 miles from our house and the staff is receptive to our requests in her care. J also did a trial week for summer during spring break and also likes going there. He'll be in their summer program which he is very excited about. J is doing well in school; he surpassed all the 1st grade requirements by March and is reading at a mid second grade level. His behavior has been ok; we've had a rough couple weeks before spring break but it's improved afterwards. He is working towards an end of year trip to COSI for his behavior and he's about half way to that goal.

Work has been really busy and I did miss it while I was out on maternity leave. I finished my training for our intensive care part of the unit as well as triage and being scrub tech during c-sections. I've learned a lot while off my training and learn something new every day. My co-workers have been awesome in helping me at work so I can keep pumping the boob juice for M. I am also glad that working 3 days a week allows me to spend more time with my kids at home.

And I still like my husband. He's been understanding during my transition back to work and has done an excellent job holding down the fort in my absence. We had our first 100% kid free over night last Friday when M & J stayed at my parents. We had a delicious dinner and saw the musical WICKED thanks to R's work. We have our anniversary trip in June where we are going to Toronto sans kiddies for 5 glorious days.

I think that about covers the past 3 months. Where has the year gone? Seriously.

A Year in Review: 2014

I went back and re-read my post last year for 2013. One of the first things I said was, "I don't know if 2014 can top 2013". We definitely had quite the year filled with a lot of changes but all of them exciting. :)

We kicked off the year with Jordan's adoption being final. He absolutely loves the name change even though we haven't explained the significance of it yet. We will get there in time. For right now, we've all enjoyed this change for a variety of reasons ;)

Jordan with his adoption papers 

Ryan and I also purchased our first home this year. We finalized the sale at the end of July and moved at the beginning of August. Boy was that stressful! Well worth it in the end though. We moved closer to both of our jobs and Jordan is in a better school district. We got everything on our wish list in our home and then some. (Bonus bar in the basement haha) I am glad to say we aren't moving anytime for the next couple decades. (Moving ten times in ten years is enough for me!)

October 2014 in front of our house

September 2014: Our dogs enjoying their new patio

We also welcomed our baby girl, Madelynn Elizabeth, to our family. We love her to pieces. We are so thankful to have had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery and a healthy baby. We've adjusted as a family nicely and looking forward to watching our kids grow.

30 weeks pregnant! 

Our baby girl is here! November 16th 2014

Some other honorable mentions: Jordan starting first grade and wrestling. Celebrating our first wedding anniversary. Making our house ours with some DIY projects.

December 2014: Jordan the wrestler; his first tournament

August 2014: Demo-ing the baby's room

August 2014: Jordan starts first grade in a new school!

June 2014: Our first anniversary trip to D.C.

2014 has been crazy busy! 2015 will hopefully be a little slower. I think we've got all the major changes out in 2013 and 2014!

Ryan and I are looking forward to the new year to see what it has in store for us. :) Happy New Year!

Madelynn's birth story and 6 week update

I can't believe I am writing this 6 weeks later! Such is life with a newborn... but anyway... :) I've had a couple requests for a birth story so here we go.

As a labor nurse, I can tell you 9 million ways the birth of baby can go wrong. I can't say I've seen it all (no L&D nurse has) but I've seen enough for me to worry about many possible outcomes. Even worse, my previous birth experience with my son had me going straight to the OR for a c-section. Needless to say -- especially towards the end of my pregnancy-- my nerves were high. 

My "birth plan" (oh how I hate those words!) was to go for a VBAC; a vaginal birth after a c-section. I was a good candidate for it because my c-section was for decelerations in Jordan's heart rate.

The midwife, MC, offered to induce me the weekend just before my due date. My ankles were swollen to the point of not being able to wear shoes. She strongly urged me to stop working. I really wanted to go into labor on my own like I did with Jordan but I was also scared to wait to be too much past my due date.  But I didn't want to use my time off to wait for baby either. 

I weighed my options. I asked MC point blank questions -- did she really think I could do this? My chances were as good as anyone. Against what I'd tell anyone else in my shoes-- I went for the induction. Hell, I could have a c-section regardless of what I chose so why not? I trusted my provider and went with my gut.

Friday evening, I went into triage for a foley bulb. My cervix was 1 cm. The foley bulb would get me to 3-4 and eventually fall out. Unless I went into labor or my water broke, I was to come in at 10am the morning regardless if it fell out or not. I also got an Ambien in hopes to pass out. Around 2am, the bulb came out. Not one damn contraction. And I was wide awake after that even with Ambien on board.  The next morning I went into L&D to assess the next game plan. After getting settled in, MC checked my cervix: 3/70/-2. She recommended Pitocin since I haven't had any contractions. I hoped I didn't need much. My nurse adjusted the pit accordingly and I started having contractions that felt mild to me. Four hours later MC checked my cervix 4/70/-1 and recommended breaking my water. I asked for my epidural first. After the magical numbness set in, she broke my water and the pit game continued. A couple hours later, she checked again and my cervix was the same and there was some molding on baby's head. I started to worry, well more so than before.  I had made the wrong decision. MC put in an IUPC to measure the contractions internally and to better manage the pitocin. A couple more hours go by, another check and I'm at 6cm. Progress! I was strongly encouraged to rest. Ryan and I get settled in to try and sleep. An hour later around 1130pm, I start noticing some pressure. Ok that's good. Then a few minutes later, I notice the pressure isn't going away. I was 6cm an hour ago... This is a good sign of progress. My nurse comes in to reposition me, and I mention the pressure. I told her it was probably nothing but she convinced me to have her check my cervix. Her face when she checked, I knew immediately what was up. I started to cry. I couldn't believe it; I was complete, 10cm. Half the battle was done. MC was notified and I was positioned to labor down in hopes to let gravity do it's thing. An hour later, MC comes in, checks my cervix and says lets try pushing. I started pushing around 1245. She had me switch positions a lot because the baby was having variable decels during contractions. (which indicates cord compression-- more than likely around the baby's neck). I pushed for about an hour and a half. Towards the end, you could hear how deep the baby's heart rate abruptly dropped (variable decel) with each contraction. The last couple pushes she counseled me on calling Dr. H for the use of a vacuum to assist with delivery. That gave me motivation to push harder and I finally got the head out. She unwrapped the umbilical cord around the neck and had me reach down to grab our baby and pull her ontop of my chest. Our baby was born at 2:14am on November 16th, 2014; 7lbs 3oz,  19  & 1/2 inches.

Epidurals rock!

My hubs- the support person :)

Our baby is here!

We didn't find out the gender prior to birth. I was absolutely convinced our baby was a boy. (although I really really really wanted a girl) Ryan on the other hand was convinced our baby was a girl. I couldn't wait for that special moment at delivery to find out what we were having. After I pulled the baby up on my chest, I immediately looked in between the legs. I saw girl parts--- It's a GIRL! I said "Oh my gosh, you're right -- it's a girl! You're never right!!" That moment can't be described accurately with words. It's the coolest, most memorable moment of my life. Both Ryan and I were crying and laughing and just over the moon. We also had not revealed any names to anyone- Madelynn Elizabeth- which we were also excited to finally tell people.

The rest of the delivery and recovery was a breeze. I didn't have any tears or any pain at all. My post partum stay was also uneventful for myself and Madelynn -- except for the expected sleep deprivation haha. We went home two days later.

We had the most amazing experience. I got the vaginal delivery I wanted-- I still can't believe I did it! With the exception of the fetal heart tracing at the end, everything was complication and relatively pain free. I had an excellent provider I could trust 100%, awesome nurses (who also happen to be my coworkers ;) ), and the best support person (my husband) anyone could ask for.

Here we are 6 weeks later. My recovery has been a snap. So much different than a c-section for sure. Minus getting only 2-3 hours of sleep an night, I feel back to normal. We're figuring out Madelynn; she's been a pretty easy baby so far. Breastfeeding has been relatively easy except for battling something I've never heard of-- overactive letdown/oversupply. Ryan jokingly calls it "here come's the fire hose" It causes painful gas, projectile spit up, and some difficulty voiding. (Look it up, it's actually interesting). Some days its better, some days it isn't. But she's got a pleasant demeanor and is growing like a weed. Her 1 month visit she weighed 9lbs 13.5 oz and 20 & 3/4 inches long. So, we're doing something right. Jordan loves her to pieces. He always telling her he loves her and that she's a princess. He helps and "helps" with things. He loves being a big brother. I think he's took the transition with her home well.

Here we are on Thanksgiving :)

Our beautiful children 

All in all, I am thankful to have had everything go well. No pregnancy, delivery, or recovery complications. I have a beautiful baby girl, a handsome 6 year old, and a loving husband. I couldn't ask for anything else! (except more sleep! haha)  ... Did I mention I'm tired? ;)

Happy 1st Anniversary!

We made it a whole year! :)

They say the first year is the hardest. Looking back, even through all the big changes, I wouldn't call it the "hard". I started my career, we finalized the adoption, Jordan in kindergarten, Ryan's changed jobs, house hunting and finishing up the paper work to close on a house, and of course, the conception of our second child.

... And that's just the first year ;)

We've had a great year. Challenging but rewarding. We've learned a lot as a couple and as a family. The second year I am sure to be just as challenging with the changes to come but I've got a great partner in this ride of life. The first year is proof of that.

Anyhow, for our anniversary we decided to take a trip to Washington D.C. Out of all our getaways, this one was by far the least relaxing but still fun. Ryan and I stayed at a bed and breakfast (our usual type of lodging) in Dupont Circle; 12 blocks from the White House. The location was perfect for catching public transportation both the bus and the metro train. We took advantage of public transpo but even with that there was quite a bit of walking.

The first day we went to the Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum. Between the two, the Air and Space wins. We also ate at a fantastic BBQ place that smelled of heaven and meat. We (well more me) were so exhausted from the first two museums that we went back to the B&B and took a snooze. Ate a late dinner at a local hamburger joint then crashed again for the night. Day two we went to Arlington National Cemetery where we saw the changing of the guard ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. After changing of the guard, there was a wreath ceremony which neither one of us knew they did. Also at Arlington we saw the Nurse's Memorial and the Women's Service memorial. After Arlington, we hopped a train to see the Pentagon memorial from 9/11. It was beautiful but also very sad. The next stop was the National Archives to see all the important documents. Finally, we went on the outskirts of DC to eat at a pizza place featured on a food network show (Diners, Drive ins, & Dives). SO Good. Definitely worth the longer transit to get there. Day three consisted of most of the memorials/monuments (we missed the Vietnam Memorial) which took most of the day.

Our legs were sore from the walking. We easily burnt of any calories we ate during the trip. Both of us got burnt despite trying to keep shaded and using sunscreen. But we got to see a lot and eat at delicious places. All in all, a good trip and look forward to the next time we can get away. :)  

Happy Anniversary to Ryan and I! :)

Trimester 1

As many of you now know, Ryan and I are expecting our second child. Ryan's first "from start to finish" as he likes to call it. We are very fortunate (and a little surprised) to get pregnant right away. When they say instant return to fertility after an IUD removal--- they weren't joking! haha

I am so glad to be out of the first trimester. For most people, the first 12 weeks aren't fun and while mine could have been much worse; I am glad its behind me. I never vomited thankfully however, everything I ate or drank (including water) made me feel nauseous with heartburn/indigestion feeling. I tried all the tricks I could think of that weren't medicine but nothing worked. At my first appointment, I was offered Zofran or the like but declined because I felt the "ickies" as something more of a nuisance than worth the medication. And boy was I tired 24/7. Working night shift probably made it 100 times worse even though I got plenty of sleep day and nights I was off. While some caffeine is encouraged, the thought of coffee or soda was unappealing. The first 5-10 weeks were the worst for all the symptoms and looking back, feels like a blur. I am so fortunate for my husband who has (and continues to) step up with taking care of Jordan and the household.

We decided not to tell many people including Jordan until closer to the end of the first trimester with the exception of our besties. And well, the majority of my coworkers found out pretty early. Kinda hard to hide looking like death for weeks on end without some sort of explanation. Besides, in our line of work, I feel like we can sniff out these kinds of things ;) (not to mention my poker face sucks). We told Jordan the week before Easter by reading him the shirt we got him to announce the pregnancy. He was a little surprised at first (we've been talking about the hypothetical sibling for a while) but then was excited once it hit him. He's been asking for a baby brother or sister for 2 years now. We told our families on Easter and everyone seems very excited. After hearing the heartbeat at our 12 week appointment, the facebook official announcement on mother's day seemed like the appropriate time. The first two appointments revealed nothing out of the ordinary with the heartbeat in the 160s. :)

In summary, I thought I'd add some Q&A that a lot of people have asked since we've announced our new addition. :)

1) Are you going to find out the gender beforehand?
     Never in a million years would I have said this with my first pregnancy but no, we're waiting for the birth. Having experienced with patients that moment at birth when they find out, I can't imagine doing it differently. Its such a special moment. I am a planner through and through but I feel like especially the second time around there isn't much to plan and waiting will be worth it :)

2) Birth plan etc:
     I had a C-section with my Jordan due to decels in the heart rate during labor. (man would I have liked to see that strip now in hindsight haha) I am hoping to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I meet all the criteria so far. I am fortunate to go to a midwife/OB-GYN group that are supportive of VBACs and a hospital (the one that I work at) that allows patients to do so. An epidural at some point because contractions suck and I am a wimp. Plus having an epidural in place will be easier if a C-section is necessary.

3) You got names picked out?:
    For the most part yes, but we aren't sharing those either. In the words of my bestie, "your pregnancy is no fun"

Hello second trimester! :) 1/3 down, 2/3's to go :)

Medicinal Therapy Update

A couple of weeks ago, we met with Jordan's teacher for conferences to discuss his progress. It was the end of the first week he's been on medication. She said it's made a huge difference, almost a complete 360 turn around. (then proceeded to boast how she was right and I was wrong, but that's a different rant). We've also briefly talked to her last week without any behavioral or educational complaints from Jordan. We are ecstatic.

Since the last post, we've also been able to assess his bus trips. He's had 2 write ups for non-ADHD related issues, which is still marked improvement. We've also added a handheld pinball game for the bus ride to help him focus on something other than "the boring bus ride".

The "coming off the meds" issue has been stifled thanks to another 2.5mg dose around 1230. I was very hesitant to give him another dose for a lot of reasons, mostly because twice daily dosing is not recommended for under 6. However, the doctor expressed that 2.5mg is a 'sub therapeutic dose' and adding another sub therapeutic dose later in the day shouldn't hurt him.

Since then there has been minimal complaints. He is harder to get him down for bedtime,  and falls asleep an hour to an hour and a half later than before meds. My sister made the suggestion that his body is used to going a mile a minute and now its not for most of the day; so it might give him trouble sleeping for that reason too. We've been trying to keep him as active as possible after school to help him go to sleep easier. (Come on Spring, we need you!!) He doesn't wake up as easy either in the morning.

We are still up in the air about giving him medication on the weekends. It does make it easier for us, however, I feel like its his time to "catch up" on sleeping. I also like the idea of giving him a break from the medication too.

All in all, the difference with the second dose has been more positive than negative. He's not been perfect (because he is a kid) but he's been more "normal". What little side effect he has from the medication has been manageable. While my hesitation for medicinal therapy are valid, I'm glad we've done it at the timing we have. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere with Jordan. It makes me excited for his future because he really is a good kid. And I wouldn't have changed a thing about the decisions we've made for him. :)

The medicinal therapy begins

Our doctor appointment with Jordan did not tell us anything we didn't deep down already know. ADHD. He scored pretty high on the evaluation that we completed (my husband, myself, and his teacher.) Still it hard to hear that there is something "wrong" with him. He talked about three options: diet (seeing if removing red dye or processed sugars would be the link; studies are inconclusive of that working), cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), and of course, medication. We exnayed the diet route for a variety of reasons. I am 100% for CBT, however, we felt like we needed to start with medication first due to the severity and quicker results.

I already knew what I wanted him to start on because I did my homework on the medication. Adderall 2.5mg daily; the only medication with dosing recommendations under 6 years old. He discussed side effects, most of which I knew except for one: "coming 'off' the medication can lead them combative, uncontrollable, and extreme regression back to previous behaviors." Guess which side effect my son gets.... but we'll get to that.

The doctor suggested trialing the medication over the weekend to see what side effects he experiences and if the medication at the lowest dose proves to have an efficacy. Saturday we gave it to him and it seems like a miracle. No appetite suppression, no insomnia, no "coming off" the med symptoms, and it seemed to work all day even though its not extended release. It was the best day we've had with him in what seems like years. We were ecstatic. Then we gave it to him Sunday. It worked for the 4-6 hour time span its supposed to, no side effects except you could tell the instant the medication wore off. From sane to insane. Almost like Jekyll and Hyde. The real test would be how it helps at school.

This week during the 2.5 hours of kindergarten have seemed to be successful. He's had no bad reports (although we won't find out officially how well its helped until our conference with teacher on Friday). His work seems more completed than before. The only question unanswered is how it will help on his bus trips because he's not allowed on the bus until Monday. However, the after school care program has raised heavy concerns to what happens when the medication wears off. Its like the chemical light switch is shut off and hell is broken loose. It happens exactly at the 6 hour mark of giving medication. He's uncontrollable, unable to reason, unable to think at all through his choices, more impulsive than before, and down right awful. We've also seen this at home. Its a form of him we've never seen and is not like this before medication.

We've decided to give it to Friday before we call the pediatrician because of the conference with his teacher. Now we have a lot of questions on where to go from here. If we give him another dose of 2.5 in the afternoon, he'll be coming off the meds past his bedtime. Will he even be able to go to sleep normally? He can't take any different medication (including extended release) and from what I've read a twice a day dosing has not been studied under 6. Even if we try something not recommended for under 6, we may lose this side effect to gain more.

I feel like my child is an experiment.

To be continued....

Kindergarten Troubles

As many of you know and experience first hand, our son is quite the active kid. That's putting it mildly. While we love that about him (and wish to bottle up the energy and make millions), it makes it challenging as a parent. Add strong willed. Add high intellect. And cute! We're in for it for sure.

The past 2 plus years, we've been dealing with behavioral issues in the classroom in addition to at home. When he was in daycare/preschool last year when he was 4, the issues were at the height of awful. Refusal to listen to adults. Impulsive. "Intelligent but socially and emotionally immature." Hitting. Tantrums. Manipulative. Wild. And it goes on. Sounded a lot like me when I was a kid. And I also loved blaming his biologic contributor, because inherent douchery reigns through DNA. We thought he was acting out of boredom because he learns things so fast. We were hoping kindergarten would give him the stimuli and structure to keep his attention.

And it did. For a little bit.

Around October, his teacher voiced concerns about his behavior. He sits at a desk by himself because he can't sit with others without being all over the place. He is not allowed to have certain school supplies at his desk because he uses them inappropriately. He rarely walks, its usually a sprint. He does not shut up. She said talk to his pediatrician. I talk to his pediatrician, he says have her call me. Due to miscommunication, that doesn't happen.

I didn't really want to get his pediatrician involved. While his behavior is not acceptable (and believe me, we are not the parents that let our kid rule the roost), it wasn't everyday. In my mind, means that there isn't anything diagnosable wrong because I am convinced that's who he is. I see so much of myself in him and I turned out ok, right? Isn't he too young? Not to mention my soap box of "not every kid has something wrong with them, let's chill out on slapping meds on kids here". (that's another lecture I like to call "Society and the Pharmaceutical Band-Aid")

Then last week, he gets kicked off the bus for 3 days for not sitting in the seat, screaming for no reason, kicking the window, and not listening to the bus driver. That was a real eye opener for us. Not only is his bus behavior unsafe, it also causes quite a dent in my sleeping if I have to drop him off and pick him up.

Now before you say anything-- We absolutely talk to him about his behavior. We've tried almost discipline method under the sun. We've tried reward systems in which he's manipulated and/or doesn't care about. Of course we spank him. All of this doesn't work. Doesn't mean we don't do them, but it doesn't change anything.

I finally broke down and actually looked up ADHD. What the DSM criteria is. Jordan meets them all. Every single one. I called his pediatrician. Pediatrician talked to his teacher. We're now in the process of evaluation for a diagnosis. It pains me greatly. Not at the possibility of something "being wrong with him". Of the label. Of the medication and side effects (especially that). Of what if we're wrong. What if this doesn't work.

I greatly despise the label of ADHD because it seems like every kid is on Ritalin or stimulants of some sort. The stories I've heard of all the bad stuff like parents using ADHD meds to improve their kids focus during sports(of course we would not do that); pediatricians not properly evaluating their patients; teachers pushing for medications for their students. I am completely jaded, still am, and probably always will be.  But I'm trying really hard to push that aside because this is what he needs. I'm scared on what this means but we want our son to be successful. I hope this all leads to a better road for Jordan.   

Becoming at family part 4: It's final!!!

We've been waiting for this day since February of last year. I can't believe this has been a year in the making, but it's finally over.

I've read back on my previous blog posts and remember exactly how we felt at the beginning of the adoption: scared, nervous, excited. So many what ifs. What would people say? Would he actually give up his rights? How long will this take? What will Jordan think?

Now a year later, those questions have clearly been answered.

The final hearing was short, sweet and to the point. The lawyer really didn't know what was going to happen because this was different than how the last judge did things. We go into the court room. The judge basically says, "Hey, has anything changed between now and September?". Nope. "Ok, well does he know what these whole proceedings mean?" Lawyer chimes in: "He's excited to change his name." Judge asks Jordan what he wants his name to be. J says it oh so cutely. Warms the judge's heart visibly. Judge says have a great life, it's final, peace. (ok, not like that but close). Signed. Sealed. Done.

Jordan is so excited to have his name changed. He told everyone yesterday at school he was being adopted today. I woke up this morning to "Bye Mom! See ya at the adoption! I'm going to change my name!" I'm so glad we made the decision to include him on the name choice. Jordan loves his new name, well... until we yell it when he's in trouble (already done, less than 8 hours of finality.)

We went immediately to change whatever we could of his name. Social Security. Check. School. Check. We will get a Hawaii birth certificate hopefully within two months. (It's weird that Ryan will have his name on a birth certificate in a state he's never stepped foot on--- immaculate conception!? HAHA) Insurances will be dealt with on Monday. The sooner we change everything, the better.

I've wanted this the minute I met Ryan. We're a family in every sense of the word minus a few pesky DNA (which really isn't that great anyway.)

Thank you to everyone who has supported us through this journey. We couldn't have done it without y'all!

A Year In Review: 2013

2013 was a year I couldn't wait for. Now looking back, it's been everything I've waited for and more. That's not to say that it was perfect, but it definitely exceeded expectations. I am not sure if 2014 can beat it... :)

Here are the high lights:

Last Semester of Nursing School. Graduation. Passing my NCLEX. Starting my first job, conveniently in my specialty of choice. Learning how to be a nurse, for real this time. (and will be constantly learning from here on out!)

c/o Heather Heiney photography

Getting married. Jordan's adoption. All the fun times as a family.

Ryan starting a new job. A much better job in a company that treats their employees with appreciation and respect (rare it seems in this day and age).  

[insert picture of Ryan being a geek]

 

Adding Spangle the cat to the family.





c/o Heather Heiney photography

My besties visiting. Both of them, at the same time. Going to Mississippi to be there for Heather while giving birth to her first child.

Jordan starting Kindergarten.

... and in 2014 we are looking forward to so much!

Buying our first house.
Jordan surviving kindergarten and most of first grade.
... maybe having another kid. I said maybe. LOL
Continuing to grow in our professions.
More fun times with family and friends.
And of course, the adoption being final! Cannot wait for Jordan's name to change :)


Peace out 2013. It's been real.

The Reader's Digest Version of Thankfulness

Many people do month of November "day of thankfulness"; you know, the one where every day of November, the Facebook status contains what they are thankful for. Some are heartfelt, some are funny, and some are... well... stupid. I confess I have participated in such an activity in previous years, however, this year I decided to not "clog up the feed" with them and just make a list of a few biggies. 

First and foremost, I am thankful for my son. Yes, he drives to crazy. Yes, he pushes every button he can possibly find. But, I don't know where my life would be without him. That's the joy of parenthood. "Can't with live 'em, can't live without 'em". Jordan has been the motivation for everything I have accomplished. He's smart, funny, wild, and super snuggly. (I love that he still enjoys hugs, kisses, and cuddles.) Not to mention, he's pretty darn cute (which saves him on many occasion). 

Secondly, my husband. He is my rock. He has brought me through so many struggles over the past two and half years. I am thankful he stands by me through and through. I could go on and on about what he brings to my life, but we wouldn't want him to get a big(ger) head now would we? ;-)  

I can speak for pretty much everyone when I say, I am SO thankful for the adoption. January 10th is our last court hearing and after that, it's signed, sealed, delivered. I like to think of that day as the final step of ridding ourselves of complete douchery. 

I am thankful for my JOB! One, I have a job, period. Two, it's EXACTLY where I want to be. I've had the best mentors to learn from. I've gotten to change lives, literally and figuratively. It has been my icing on the cake after all the hard work the four hellacious years of  nursing school. (side note- also very thankful to be DONE with schooling, formally and for the present.) 

Family and friends. All the support we've received and continue to receive through this HUGE life-changing year for us. Y'all are the backbone to what makes our life work. 

Wine. Coffee. Chocolate. In that order.

And of course, all the standard things: life, health, the roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our back, running water etc. Those seem "standard" to us but there are so many that go without one or more of those things.

May your bellies be full. May the time spent be cherished. And may the food comas be long and worthwhile. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving! :)

Week 13

Ahh... the end of week 13. What does that mean to anyone other than myself? It means that I have 6 weeks left of my internship at work. I will be "on my own" as they say, meaning without another nurse precepting me.

Me. By myself. Completely responsible for 2 lives: a patient that can talk to me (the mom -- at least they better be!!!) and a patient that can't (the baby). It's scary to think that I should have enough knowledge to be independent. It's scary to not have that blanket of security. It will be the first time I am THE NURSE. (not that I'm not now, but I will be the only one for that patient.)

Some days I feel like-- hell yes, I got this. I am really making headway with my skills and critical thinking. I've figured out the "little things" like how to work the equipment, where to chart what where, what all is within my scope of practice (L&D nurses have quite a bit of autonomy), etc. I even had a student nurse, who I actually knew, from my college with me on one of my c/sections this week. Not only was I independent in my practice, I was able to answer her questions and share my knowledge. . It was an awesome feeling and also weird having been a student less than 6 months ago. I really do know a lot.

Other days, I go home thinking "what the hell am I doing?". I just wasted 40K and 4 years of my life learning to do something I ultimately SUCK at. Yes, I know this is normal for new nurses to feel like this. But some days I feel like the only person whose ever felt this way. It doesn't help that I am overly critical on myself and have perfectionist tendencies. Those are all fantastic qualities in a nurse (nobody wants a half-ass nurse), however, it doesn't leave a lot of room for a new grad to get over the "rookie crazies".

Then I remember on the bad days, all the lives I have got to make a difference in. All the beautiful babies born. All the opportunities to share in a patient's special moment. There has been so many experiences, both good and bad. I am lucky to not only have a job, but a job in the field that I am most passionate about.

Bring on the next 6 weeks.

The year of change

It's not even near December yet this year has been the year of change for all of us. Brenda graduated in the spring and started her new job. We got married. I've got a new job and by the end of the year J will now have a new last name.

Yep, I'm leaving my current employer and moving to what will hopefully be greener pastures with a company downtown and closer to us. I'll be a Linux systems administrator for the new company and am rather excited to be getting back in to systems administration. It's always been the direction I have wanted to take my career in. So basically I'll get to be a big geek everyday and work on some really tough but cool problems. Much better than fixing someone's printer all the time.

While Brenda has posted about it several times I can't tell you how excited I am about the adoption. We had our hearing today that lasted all of 20 minutes and 10 of that was the judge telling us what was going to happen. The judge asked a few questions of  us that seemed to be confirming what the investigator had written and then gave us unexpected news.  The adoption would be final in 3 months not the 6 that we thought it would be. Since this was an interlocutory hearing FF can't do anything now to stop the process unless fraud was involved, which we know isn't the case. So it looks like J's name will be changing at the beginning of the year. He's been very excited about it and was great during the hearing. The court gave J a challenge coin that the judge had specifically made for adoption cases for the children. He didn't really understand what it was for, just that it was cool and it was for him. We'll explain it to him when he gets older and we talk more about what happened.

Adoption Update

We had the "investigation" last week with the county probate social worker. She prepped up beforehand that this was a very painless part of the process and that all she was going to do is ask us some questions. Having never done this before, we both expected it be a grilling q&a about our lives in addition to observation in our habitat and a tour of our clean, safe environment. None of this actually happened. She came in, sat down on the couch and asked general questions about our lives such as "how did you meet?", "what do you do and do you like it?", "how long have you lived together?" etc etc. We also were given some insight to hearing proceedings. I am most concerned about what the judge might ask Jordan in relation to FF. At this particular time J pretty much has no idea who FF is and Ryan is the only dad he knows exists. The social worker gave us some examples of what might be asked however, I am still nervous about what questions with arise from Jordan after the hearing. After that, she packed up and left, didn't even go past the couch. The "investigation" went 110% better than we expected. We looked like the perfect American family (instead of the crazy jacked up one we really are HAHA). Ryan and I sat close on the couch together, laughing and talking comfortably with her while Jordan quietly played legos on the floor in front of us. On cue, J would chime in with a cute response in our conversation. Investigation= nailed.

Our court date was supposed to be the 12th of September but unfortunately had to be changed due to a missing part of the process. Ryan has to have a background check (state and federal) returned to the court before the hearing takes place. This apparently is a new part of the adoption process that the judge recently instated and our lawyer was unaware of the addition. Since it takes 1-2 weeks for the background check to come back, the date was moved back two weeks. We both are really upset about having to change the date. I am ready to be 99.9% rid of FF once and for all. We are ready to get this show on the road. . In my irrationality, I always fear that FF will change his mind right before the hearing. I know in my mind that its highly unlikely of that occurring, but you never know.

In conclusion, I have a rant about what people say when they hear about the adoption. I am getting a lot of "this is the best thing he (FF) is doing for him (J)" and "he (FF) is doing the right thing" etc. Let's be clear about something. FF is NOT doing this for Jordan's best interest. Yes, it's in Jordan's best interest, and we're very thankful that FF is peacing out. However, these comments make me feel like FF is a good guy for doing this. He is still gave up on "his" child. He cared more about his financial gain than to fight for a relationship with "his" son. Maybe that's the bitter part of me coming out. I just don't like FF; anything that remotely sounds like he's a good person makes me want to hurl. Rant over. :)

2 weeks until the hearing!!! Can't wait!!!! :)

We have a Kindergartener!

Its hard to believe that our son is off to "the big leagues" of kindergarten-- class of 2026!

We've been talking to Jordan all summer about this very day, the first day of kindergarten. So it wasn't a surprise when he woke up at 6am, ready to go to school. (which didn't start for 2 and half hours) He didn't understand why he couldn't go now, usually when he's up for daycare, he can go whenever he's ready.

We got him ready to go. I took several pictures with the cute sign I made. (I'm pretty proud of it-- this momma is NOT a crafter) Jordan loved the sign.

We walked him to classroom. Other kids started piling in, most of them looked scared out of their minds. Not our son; he was practically bouncing out of the seats ready to start this mysterious kindergarten. His teacher, Mrs. Coleman, is awesome; has been teaching kindergarten for a long time. When we did the screening last week, she beamed about Jordan's learning assessment score: 27 out of 29, commenting about how smart he was. Well, we all already knew that ;)

Many parents were crying and some were hard to "let go of their babies". Not us--- we're like "bye, see ya-- have fun!" Guess we're not the overly emotional attached to our kids type. We're excited for our son to learn and grow. We just hope he doesn't assault anyone... :P

Readjusting to Adult Life

Hi Ho Hi Ho its back to work I go!

Ryan and I are adjusting from the 6 week break I took from the after graduation/before big girl working job. During the 6 week break, I've been home all day, cooking dinner, and no obligations except to make sure my son is still breathing. Now, its back to 12 hour shifts; this time mostly in the 11am to 11pm time frame.

As a new grad, I have a 20 week mentored experience (internship) in the labor and delivery at the downtown hospital. So far, I LOVE IT (big surprise haha). I am getting a lot of good experiences, meeting a lot of interesting families, and getting to see a baby take its first breath--- priceless. My preceptor is also awesome with more than a decade of L&D experience and its easy to ask her questions. I have LOTS to learn but I am looking forward to every minute of it!

And so far, I've only birthed boys. No girls yet :) I got this beauty from a patient's family...

 

 

 Its been difficult getting back into the swing of two working parents routine again. Jordan seems unphased by it, which is good. Its the game of who's picking J up, what about dinner?, can we do xyz on this day? We're working through our struggles and slowly getting into a routine. Oh and the paycheck is nice :)

In other news, we have received our court date for the adoption for mid-September. If the hearing goes in our favor (which there shouldn't be any hang-ups), the adoption will be final mid-March. (its not final right away, there is a 6 month waiting period between the hearing and finalization). Did I mention we can't wait!!?!?!?!?!?!!? :)

Slowly but surely, everything is falling in to place. My graduation, our wedding, the adoption, the nursing job of my dreams. Our lives aren't perfect, but we're making the most of every moment.

3 weeks of rambled catch-up

I've had 3 weeks off before starting big girl nursing job on Tuesday. First off, I can't wait to start working. I have to hand it to moms or dads who stay at home with their kids, because I'd go crazy (and Jordan's still going to daycare due to technicalities. Sad.) I am so excited to get the opportunity at my dream job, right out of school. I GET TO DELIVER BABIES!!! :) I am really looking forward to learning and growing in my profession and can't wait to see what my career has in store for me.

What have I been doing for 3 weeks? Drinking wine, obviously. I've made a slight dent in my 66 bottles of wine. But we already assumed I'd be doing that so....

I've been spending time with Jordan: playing games with him after school, playing outside, watching movies, reading books and such. I can't believe he's going to be five on Monday. Where does the time go? He's so stinking smart too; its sad that he outsmarts us. Looks like we better get used to that. We are really trying to work on his social and emotional intelligence and get him prepped for kindergarten in August. I think going to Kindergarten will be a good change for him; challenging him intellectually as well as a difference in routine other than the daycare bit (even though we love them,  we think J's rather bored)

Other than being Mom to Jordan, I've really been rather hermit-y. Reading, beating levels of Candy Crush, cooking, renewing my ass dent on the couch, and running around getting errands done. This is the first time in 4 years I feel I've got to really chill and I've tried to enjoy it as much as I can. (interpretation: lazy as possible)

Adoption news: The lawyer has a rough draft started in the adoption filing process. The three of us (Ryan, myself and Jordan, but mostly Jordan) have decided to change his middle name in addition to his last name. The final decision was left to Jordan, even though he's five, we thought his input was important. (his current middle name is from his biologic contributor) We should have the final draft to sign in the next couple of weeks--- then off to the courthouse to file and get a hearing!!

We've also had to involve CSEA in regards to child support, since FF has decided to be a douche bag about it. (big surprise). Legally, he still has to pay up until the adoption is final (6 months from the hearing); of course he threw a fit. I've tried to work with him and compromise, he doesn't want to work with me-- so I will win in the end. It's not about money for us, it's about the principle of the matter. It's going to be a long process since its inter-state but he's in for a rude awakening. I warned him ;)  

That's about it for now.

Oh and... I love being his wife ;)  << still not used to that!

Becoming a family part 3: Wedding Style

WE'RE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

By far, the best decision ever. We had so much fun and it was perfect.

Ryan and I stayed at a bed and breakfast/vineyard/winery last year in Indiana and fell in love with the place, the quaint small town, and the people. We decided to elope there and have to ceremony at the vineyard, just the two of us (and whoever from the winery/vineyard/BB wanted to show up).

The days before the wedding, we stayed at the B&B, going to all 6 of the local wineries for tasting and eating delicious food from the local joints. I was very excited to have purchased 5 and a half cases of wine to bring home as well as 2 bottles of hard cider for Ryan. Last time, I only brought 17 bottles of wine home and lets just say it didn't last very long. HAHA We'll see how 66 bottles of wine lasts me (so far 1 and 3/4 bottles down).

The day of the wedding, we relaxed at the B&B, watching TV, and just being chill. Two o'clock rolls around, I go get my hair and makeup done. The salon downtown was awesome, very friendly, and excited to be doing "elopement style" wedding (which wasn't much different than traditional weddings, but ok). After that, the ball was rolling- I quickly went back to the B&B, met the "minister" and photographer, and slipped into my gown. Ryan waited downstairs with the minister and I was upstairs taking pictures with the photographer (who made the whole experience even more perfect.)

The ceremony was at 4:30 at the vineyard's stage between the two areas of the property. I walked down the long lane of the property (in heels!) to meet my handsome groom in the middle and we walked up the stage together. The ceremony was pretty perfect, especially our vows we wrote to each other. The only downfall of the ceremony was the "minister" was VERY unprepared with little details not addressed as well as saying our last name wrong (even though we coached him several times prior to; I really don't think its that difficult). However, it wasn't enough to ruin it because no one else was there that really cares. The B&B/vineyard/winery owners watched the ceremony as well as the photographer, and "minister's" wife. After it was over, my husband (!!) and I signed the marriage license, went back to the B&B and opened a bottle of champagne and toasted with all who was there.

The rest of the evening was spent with the photographer doing pictures at the ceremony location as well as beautiful areas downtown. The locals were very gracious, including the teenagers roaming downtown, with many congratulations and well wishes. Our evening ended with a local hamburger joint (similar to White Castle, tastes less-gross, however, later learned similar after effects) with grease in a bag and a milkshake called "wedding cake".

The next morning, we packed up the car to head home. On our drive, we thought to call the lawyer to see if any documents have been sent from FF. Low and behold-- the lawyer has the papers! FF has signed the legal document to give up his parental rights to Jordan. I don't care why his reasons are, though we have speculations, I am excited to end the battles of the ex and legally give Jordan the father he deserves. Best. Wedding. Present. Ever. :)

I am so happy to be married to Ryan. Life has pretty much resumed to normal and I am enjoying my 3 weeks off until my big girl nursing job starts in mid-July. And I'm enjoying the wine too :)

The NCLEX experience: the B-Rob edition

Everyone's experience is different, but this is my recollection and thoughts are based on how I felt.

Nothing prepares you for taking the NCLEX. I know nursing school is supposed to do that... but still...

My school "spouse", Stache, and I scheduled to take our Ohio boards in Lexington, KY because at the time we registered, the soonest available within a 100ish mile radius was there. We got there the night before, staying a hotel, and prepared to get up at the butt crack of dawn for the biggest and most important test of our career. And by prepare I mean, give up studying, eat chinese food, and take a couple hits of whiskey.

I could not sleep at all, kicking myself for not drinking more and/or bringing some sort of sleep aid. Finally at 4am, I gave up and attempted to beat Candy Crush level 125 in order to pass the time.

In the morning, we were revved up. Nerves, nerves, nerves. We got there, waited for them to call us up individually, trying to stay as positive as possible. Then, into the room we go. It feels like a jail cell with cameras monitoring your every move and using a palm vein hand scan to get in and out of the testing room.

Headphones and earplugs on. All I could hear is my heartbeat through my ears as the tutorial played. Then the first question comes up.. lub dub lub dub goes my heart. So loud that I worry other people can hear it. I finally take the earplugs out because its too loud to think. With each question, I take a deep breath and carry on, hoping for the right answer. Several questions threw me off, and I did the click and pray method.

For those who don't know how NCLEX works, the minimum number of questions is 75 and the max is 265. The number of questions past 75 varies on the tester's ability and will shut off accordingly. At 75, you either beasted it or failed; any question after that falls into the gray area of "not enough to fail, not enough to pass"; until you've reached one of those destinations, the test keeps coming. At 75 questions, I did not feel confident in my answers so far, and hoped to the high heavens to see question 76 because it would mean I still have a shot. 76 came up and a wave of relief came over me (never in my life was I glad to see more test questions!) After 76, I'd get a question, confidently answer; get another, and be completely lost. At 86 (I think), I got a math question-- answered it, and BANG! It's shuts off. I literally threw up my hands like "holy sweet for jesus-- what happened!" If I could get a copy of what the camera saw me do right when it shut off, it would be on YouTube.

I quickly did my 9 questions or so survey at the end, ran out to the car and thought of many ways to hide my drinking straight the Jack Daniels bottle. Stache was still examing it, and all I wanted to do was find a bar. I called/texted whoever I could to freak out while I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally Stache came out, and we found the nearest restaurant that served alcohol.

My only saving grace was I was 100% sure I got the last question right. My pharmacy math is pretty on par (thanks to 8 years in various pharmacy settings). After 48 hours, you can pay the testing company $7.95 online and get your unoffical results; unless your license number becomes available before then. I paid the $7.95-- it said pass; but until I saw the license number I wasn't 100% cleared.

No words can describe the relief that is felt when you see that license number. All the work over the past 4 years is seen right before your eyes in the form of a six digit number. I can actually say--- I'M A NURSE! And to all the people who thought I couldn't do it, look me up on the Ohio Board of Nursing for proof. :)

Some thoughts for many who have still yet to face their board exam:
1) Most of the specific content I studied was not on the exam, however, every question counts! Even if you absorb one bit of info that you don't think is going to be on there, its better to feel as prepared as anyone can be for the biggest test of your life.
2) I did do "the trick"; and no, I was not able to re-register for the exam with the automated excuse of "its been awfully early since you've taken that exam, eh?"... or something of the like. I didn't take much merit into it, because if someone fails, you can't retake it for another 45-90 days.
3) TAKE YOUR TIME. I've never been that slow on taking an exam, but I literally breathed deeply before every new question.
4) For those of you who understand what this means: Juxedpose and negate (or however Klimek spells it) DID help a bajillion. Take the first two answers, pick which is best based of knowledge, logic, and common sense; then keep comparing each answer to the winner til you find the most logical/best rationale.
5) YOU CAN DO IT! :) If you have any questions or freakoutery--- I don't mind to hear from you. :)

With the NCLEX passed, my nursing student career is now officially over! I can't believe it, but I am so excited to see where my career will take me.  :)

Turning 27 on the 27th.

Yesterday was my "golden" birthday; the birthday in which you turn the age of your birth date day. I was very fortunate to spend the day with my most favorite man, my son. Ryan had to work, so J and I took the opportunity to play at the waterpark at Ryan's place of employment. Unlike last year, this year Jordan was scared to go on any of the slides. Finally after some encouragement, he got on them and wouldn't relent afterwards. We sat outside drinking an icee and telling "knock knock" jokes and watching the rollercoasters next to the resort. Ryan came home with a bouquet of pink roses and cards from himself and J. Afterwards, my family came over for pizza and we enjoyed watching the kids and furkids play. Everyone left, I propped my feet up and enjoyed some wine as the "icing on the cake". It was a fun and exhausting day; I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, for my birthday. I would like to pass my NCLEX. It will be a late birthday present, but I will take it. I'm taking it this week--- It's one thing to talk about taking it, it's quite another to actually take it. I have had lots of encouragement that I will prevail however it's nerve wracking! I've got a lot counting on this, not to mention I don't want to pay 200 more dollars to do it again.

Other updates in case anyone cares:

FF never called me back last week. Haven't heard from him or his family since the phone call. Who knows what that means, but Ryan is confident that he's going to sign the papers and not do something stupid (like try to take me to court for custody or more visitation).

I leave for Mississippi on Friday to see my bestie and (hopefully) aide as labor coach/consultant. I will be there for almost 2 weeks-- the longest I've been away from my family in almost 4 years.

After I get back from MS--- we're getting married!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

After we get married, life will slow down a bit and I'm very much looking forward to it. :)

Last but not certainly least, I was honored to have my birthday on Memorial Day this year. Do not forget the past and present men and women who fight to keep our country safe including active duty, reserves, national guard, police, and firefighters. Freedom isn't free--- it is earned by the sacrifice of others. Thank you to those who serve.